I am already tired. Emotionally, physically, mentally. Usually I have enough energy to last me a good month before I crash, but college hit me all at once, wiping away all that adrenaline. It's not a bad thing, I have enjoyed everything. I'm just one of the lucky ones who had the extra baggage dropped on top of them as soon as they arrived. I'm not complaining. Most of my friends comment on how many people I already know and how many guys I have made friends with. It usually puts a pep in my step to be known on campus, yet it fades because that's just me being myself. I like people and I put myself out there so that they will be comfortable around me. Yet even though I know so many people, it doesn't mean I am going to go over to there dorm, push open the door, and just sit on there bed. Ok, well maybe I would if I wanted to. Yet I feel tired and empty. Alone. There are people on this campus who would be there for me if I needed a shoulder to cry on, but I don't call out to anyone because I don't want to burden them with my load. All of the freshmen are in the same state, no matter how they show it. And even if I was to go to an upperclassman, I would feel little, immature, small. It is a constant roller coaster: boredom one moment, the next I can't pull the emergency brake. I still haven't finished organizing my room completely. Day by day i neaten it up a little more trying to find a place for each thing. I'm still trying to find my place. Because so much is happening and not happening all at once, I struggle to focus, balance my life. Pieces keep flying out of one box into another, appearing and disappearing. I'm frustrated because I don't know what is happening. I don't know where I will fit in here. What if I don't get into outdoor education? Not make an a cappella? what then? I want to close my eyes, tap my heels, then wake up with everything set in place, calm. Not that things won't be busy. But there will be an underlying rhythm beneath the chaos that will give me a sense of control. I will still be tired but maybe it won't be hard to live with...
Colgate is great, the perfect fit for me. The only thing I wish I could change would be to replace some of these yankees with southerners. Now I know boys will be boys no matter where they come from, but at least those raised in the south have the decency to turn on a filter when a woman is around. What I heard one boy say the other night shocked me. In all seriousness I thought to myself "Is that the mouth you speak to your momma with?" I'm afraid I may get in trouble one of the days for teaching a boy a lesson. Thankfully there are plenty of people to hang around so that I won't get in trouble. The girls are just like the ones back home. You have to learn which ones to avoid. Luckily I had already made friends with the girls of my WIlderness Adventure trip. Each one of us is different from the other yet we fit together perfectly. We have bonded on such a deep level that will extend throughout our college career. I am so lucky. Also, my roommates and I get along great. We kinda have to living in a forced triple. My dorm sits in the perfect location, central to everything, and I get exercise everyday from walking around. So far I could not ask for anymore.
Oh and if you are wondering, the title of this post is the conversation Sophie Dennis (one of my WA sistas) had last night on the freshman quad... oh what a night
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